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+---
+title: Certified
+inMenu: true
+directoryName: Certified
+---
+h1. Get Mongrel Certified!
+
+I'm not one to be overpowered by the great ideas of other open source projects.
+But, the second I smell cash to be had from hapless tools using my software I am THERE!  Once I 
+read "the CakePHP Certification plans":http://www.cakefoundation.org/pages/certification
+I thought, "Holy crap, I could make more money than Don King's ring finger doing that!"
+
+After much deliberation with absolutely nobody, I am proud to announce the 
+official *Mongrel Ultimate Deployment Certified Rails Aptitude Program(tm)(sm)(patent pending)*.
+
+The only certification you need to get that cushy job making developers beg you
+for system administration services while you surf porn instead of doing your 
+real job.  Nothing says "professionalism" more than having MUDCRAP-CE after your
+name.
+
+Start now and even you could append up to *nine* (yes nine!) letters
+after your name and get a guaranteed pay raise or that great job without know *anything*
+other than how to tell other people how to pronounce your particular certification acronym.
+
+Prices are also very high, since your manager knows that the cost of a certification
+program directly relates to its quality.  The more you spend the more you show management
+that you're a team player.  No, a MUDCRAP Team Player!
+
+
+h2. How To Get That Cert!
+
+MUDCRAP certification involves intensive training courses from me (Zed A. Shaw) the creator of Mongrel.
+I am only available at specific conferences and will only teach a select chosen few
+MUDCRAPers per conference.  Each set of courses trains the prospective MUDCRAPer in:
+
+* Defending your job with claims of "security", "scalability", and "capability" 
+just like the Enterprise guys.
+* Inventing performance numbers for fun and profit.  Nothing lies better than complex well crafted
+statistics.  Learn to use them to compete with other people's fake statistics.
+* Using the new OSX virtual desktop features to hide your chosen fetish porn while you work.
+* Inventing your very own security policies to do even less work.  Management has entrusted
+you with managing the systems, and that means you get to set the policies everyone follows.  Use
+this power to make your life easier.
+* Avoiding automating your system administration job so that you always have something to pretend 
+working on.
+* Blaming *developers* for your mistakes.  *EXTRA* This course now covers
+using complex permissioning systems and shared directories to "protect" your servers from 
+the developers while actually only protecting your job.
+* Unlearning everything you probably didn't know about Configuration Management and collaboration.
+Nobody needs you to cooperate when you're the *king of the kingdom*.
+
+And this is just a few of the great lessons awaiting you in these wonderful classes.
+
+h2. Ordering Information
+
+E-mail zedshaw at zedshaw.com to reserve a seat.  The next class is at RubyConf and will
+only seat 10 people.  That's how dedicated I am to the quality of my courses.  You
+will leave my course feeling confident, empowered, and capable enough to avoid learning anything
+ever again for at least 10 years.
+
+Act now to become the first MUDCRAPer!  Seats are filling fast!
+
+